Compliments freak me out.

It's not like I get them ALL the time because I'm so damn fabulous or anything. And I guess really it's only certain ones. Like if someone says I'm really smart or funny or cool, then that's all right. Because I think I'm pretty smart. I know I'm hilarious. And I am reaaaalllly cool (for a nerd). And for a Mom. If you're only a little bit cool but you have kids, you become even cooler the more kids you have. I know this because my 6 year old son's friend told him "You have the coolest Mom!" I haven't met his Mom yet though so I don't know how high his standards are.

Mostly I'm weirded out when people compliment the way I look. If it's on my sense of fashion well that is very valued. Because I take care to dress freakin' rad. Just this morning some random dad at school told me "Nice skirt!" A little weird? Maybe. But he was obviously overtaken by my amazing fashion sense and had to blurt it out. Of course I understand.

The thing is, I don't think I'm ugly but I'm by no means gorgeous. I'm totally happy with how normal pretty I am. When people on Xanga say I look cute in pictures, that's totally fine. What else is a blog for than something to vent on, brag about yourself or someone, and boost your ego, let's be honest... I guess really it's my husband. He calls me beautiful all the time. I'm not complaining. But when he says it, my reply is always "Whatever." He says he really means it, and it's awesome to have a husband who truly believes that (and is delusional), but still I think to myself, "No way I am looking hot right now in these ratty pjs and greasy hair." My husband is blinded by love. Also, I am mean to him. Maybe he's just buttering me up so I'll quit being a bitch? I need to explore this possibility more...

I used to play the flute and competed and performed a lot. When people clapped afterwards for solos, it just made me feel awkward. I wanted to hide my head and run off the stage. Then when they would come up afterwards and tell me I was good, I just changed the subject. Also, when I sing. Even playing dorky ass rockband and karaoke, if someone say I'm good, I just laugh because really I am NOT that good. I'm just not tone deaf.

So I think I'm kind of a freak. It's not as if I have low self-esteem or mistrust people, but sometimes I think people give compliments just to be nice. Which is... well... nice and all. And not dishonest, per se. But are they really being truly honest? If so, then they are wonderful people (and also delusional like my husband). But I guess I always just feel a little uncomfortable thinking someone is humoring me or flattering me just to be nice.

And this whole crazy ass rant or whatever you want to call it, comes back to my writing. I was told in creative writing and literature classes by teachers and professors my entire life that I was a good writer. I know I'm a decent writer. (Today is not the best example, okay, I'm rambling...) But I never really received any good constructive criticism. How the hell am I supposed to get better? I really want to start going to writer's workshops where the critics are brutally honest and will tell me if something I write sucks and how to fix it! Is it too much to ask for someone to just say, "Anna you suck!" ???

See, something is wrong with me.

Does anyone out there know what I mean? Or feel the same way? Do you like compliments or do they make you uncomfortable too?

Do you think I'm a total dumbass?

BE HONEST!!

Don't delete my site...just yet.

Lydrock has been riding my ass asking why I don't update this Xanga, and more of you have been bugging me about it. So I'm diving back in and I'm going to try to update this one more often. I do have a lot inside of me that I want to get out and I shouldn't make excuses anymore on why I'm not writing.

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On the way to work today I tuned into the local hip hop station on the radio to get my daily dose of Outkast and Snoop Dogg before I trudged into my boring job. Some dad had just called in because he found out on his daughter's myspace that she, a white girl, was dating a black guy and hadn't told him and his wife about it. They were freaking out and I, along with the 3 hispanic deejays were surprised that there is still opposition to interracial dating from some people, especially in Phoenix which is very ethnically diverse.

Another girl called in - a black girl from Detroit - and said how she was really shocked when she moved here to see how many interracial couples there are because in Detroit apparently everyone sticks to their own. ?

I guess, seeing as how my dad is white and my mom is Asian, I have been pretty immune and oblivious to the prejudice of interracial dating. I've dated black guys, white guys, Asian guys...whoever - I just didn't think twice about it. My dad was only concerned with if they played sports and my mom only cared if they were cute. Beyond that, it didn't matter. It may be pretty different for me because I'm multi-racial but it didn't seem to be an issue at the school I went to...or in college...or in my lifetime at any job or city that I lived in.

Also, when I met Bill, it was refreshing that he had a similar background like me. His grandfather is Lebanese and his grandmother is white - and his stepdad is black. We knew when we had kids and family reunions, it would be one big happy melting pot. (Even though my kids are all white with blue eyes and red hair - can someone throw me a genetic bone here?)

So I'm pretty surprised when I meet people that feel differently than I do about this - or see it still being an issue in the media and anywhere else in the world. I mean, people may have very legitimate reasons for why they don't agree or are not open to it but to me, it just shouldn't really make that big of a difference if the two persons are compatible and love each other. Obviously America has come a long way in the last 50 years to change this. I don't know how different it is in other countries and what the taboos are.

I'm curious what you all think about it. Have you dated "outside your race"? Do you care? Would you if you haven't or would you never? Why? I know race can be a touchy subject with some people but I'd really like to know how you all feel about it.